Alberto J Negron, Recovery Brother and Guest Blogger
Matthew 4:18-20
18 As he was walking by the Sea of Galilee he saw two brothers, Simon (called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea (for they were fishermen). 19 He said to them, “Follow me, and I will turn you into fishers of people.” 20 They left their nets immediately and followed him. 21 Going on from there he saw two other brothers, James the son of Zebedee and John his brother, in a boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets. Then he called them. 22 They immediately left the boat and their father and followed him. - Biblical Studies Press. (2005). The NET Bible First Edition (Noteless); Bible. English. NET Bible (Noteless). (Mt 4:18–22). Biblical Studies Press.
In the passage above, Jesus calls to Simon/Peter, Andrew, James and John with a proposal to follow Him. All these men were fishermen. If I can be a bit less literal though – they all had “nets”. Safety nets if you will – things they had and did which made life comfortable and manageable for them. On the face of things, they appeared to be managing well. They had families and family businesses in which they were daily engaged, which provided them with stability, some comfort and predictability. All of which are good things – good things which Jesus came and disrupted with the invitation to follow. Still, they left their nets, boats, and family to follow Him. They still needed to grow and learn, to mature in their walk, but this was a necessary first step – leave the safety of your net (and everything else) and follow Jesus.
Al's Story
When I first came to Jesus at the Union Rescue Mission in Downtown Los Angeles, it was easy to respond and drop my “nets”. When I arrived, I heard the Gospel and responded to Christ’s invitation and started to follow. At the time, I had nothing as I had hitchhiked from NYC in winter 1979 and taken a northern route in order to maximize the chances of death from exposure. Really, I wanted to die. That’s a story for another time perhaps. At any rate, God called, and I followed.
Over time, the difficulties of life, the responsibilities of marriage and the raising of children, brought out hidden “nets”. These nets, unlike those of the fishermen, were not manageable. I quickly learned however, that I should maintain an appearance of manageability in order to be thought of as a good Christian man. Over time though, these hidden hurts, habits, and hang-ups , the hidden aspects of my Sin-disease, demanded more time and more nourishment to stay hidden. I would soon be living a double life. As long as I could make it appear that I was managing my life well, no one questioned “the mask” I put on in public. I assume (now, but not at the time) that most people have one. The progression of my Sin-disease was relentless though, like a type of virulent spiritual cancer, eating its way through my spiritual heart and poisoning my soul. I needed to admit my powerlessness again like I had at Union Rescue Mission, but I didn’t want to because I had even fooled myself that I could somehow manage to get it, and keep it, together.
The Admission of Powerlessness
“…the admission of powerlessness is the first step in the assumption of responsibility.” – Gordon Bruin, Innergold Counseling Services
“What we have done in the first three steps is to get in touch with God in a way that allows us to access his power in overcoming Sin and its consequences in our lives. In Step Three we decided to get out of the driver’s seat and move ahead into the rest of the Twelve Steps with the protection and guidance of God; we are now willing to risk stepping out of the self-centered Sin position and inspecting our Sin-diseased personalities. This prospect is so unsettling that most of us would only do it to find relief from the intense pain brought on by our character defects that have been such troublesome mysteries to us and to our families.” - Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (p. 60). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
When I finally admitted my powerlessness over my hurts, habits, and hang-ups , I was relieved at first. I say, “at first”, because it wasn’t long before I was fighting for control again. Sure, I obeyed the Elders, and voluntarily sat down from teaching Bible – I even turned down the opportunity to return after a year. I was still trying to figure out how to manage my recovery, how to make myself grow, and how to replace following Jesus with knowing information about following Jesus. Even after taking my first steps (https://irvingbible.org/recovery), I still wanted to be in control and that desire to be in control – of my recovery, of others’ reactions and lives, of life – was a net I had yet to let go.
Let me elaborate on something. These hurts, habits, and hang-ups – these distractions – are sometimes referred to as addictions. The word “addictions”, while correct and descriptive, has mistakenly served to convince some that their habits are not an addiction, and that they are not one of “those” addict people, who are weak and somehow really messed up. But Romans 3:22-23 (and other scriptures) beg to disagree: “For there is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” - Biblical Studies Press. (2005). The NET Bible First Edition (Noteless); Bible. English. NET Bible (Noteless). (Ro 3:22–23). Biblical Studies Press.
All of us, without exception, have the Sin-disease (a term borrowed from Miller, whom I have quoted above). We are naturally prone to try to figure out life for ourselves, to find our own way of doing things, to cover up (Genesis 3:7), rather than to admit there is nothing we can do (John 15:5) without the Lord. A member of our Recovery family has said, “What is unmanageability? Me trying to do what only God can do while asking God to do what I should be doing." Some believe that it is the habit that is the problem, but it is the habit which is used to avoid the problems. We manipulate, control, drink, obsess, eat, risk, cut, shop, hook-up, fill in the blank – to dull the pain and to forget the unmanageability.
"...I’m trying to describe something that, if you are in denial, may be almost impossible for you to see: the nature of powerlessness and unmanageability in the lives of people who are apparently coping adequately. But what I am counting on is that you feel some significant personal pain, frustration, fear, resentment, shame, guilt, anger, or discouragement that persists even after you have tried everything you know to do to make things right." - Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (p. 12). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
There is a line in the prayer referred to as the Lord's prayer, "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil". I heard someone say it a different way: "Keep me from distraction and far away from destruction." It was once described as a vote of "no confidence" in the ability of self to steer clear of both things that delight the eye, mind, and/or senses, and the consequences of the decision to follow those delights. "He leads me along the straight paths (because I would follow the crooked ones) for his righteousness’ sake (because I would do it just because it pleases me)" - parentheses mine, says Psalm 23. I will go my own way - please don't let me destroy myself. This is what I say when I'm in my right mind, which is more often these days, thanks to God.
It is sometimes difficult to describe coherently, but I have only just begun to scratch the surface of true spirituality, even after 10 years of recovery. This is actually the first time I have considered myself “spiritual” – though I may have mistakenly considered myself spiritual before because I was well-instructed. I have been a Sunday School Superintendent, VBS Director, Adult Sunday School Teacher, Youth Group Leader, Small Group Leader, Pastor (2x), and Short-term Missionary. The amazing thing is that God knows how to pour blessings out of cracked pots – He doesn’t require me to be perfect to be usable. This is not a reason to adopt the reasoning, “This is how I am,” but a reason to hand over my will and life to God to use for His will. If not for Christ and Recovery, I would not still be looking forward in hope, and dreaming dreams.
“You must learn to accept your weakness, your own poverty, and your own limitations, especially when the going gets rough. It is just through your weakness that our Savior can do his work (2 Cor. 12:9). He can manage what you cannot! ... It’s often better not to get too involved in other people’s affairs, wanting to have a say in everything, because most of the time we don’t really know what the right step is. In the end, only God can work things out. Especially where there is sickness, poverty, or strongholds of temptation, you will have to realize your helplessness. You don’t need to be a knight in shining armor who is all set to kill the devil – no, we must learn to step back in faith and hope and keep the power of Jesus firmly in the center.” - from Everyone Belongs to God, Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt, Plough Publishing House (May 1, 2015)
Recovering God's Intention
In recovery, I am not recovering from something as much as I am trying to recover God’s original intention for my life – to bring Him glory by correctly reflecting the divine nature and reaching out to the still sick and suffering. I am not trying to shirk responsibility for my problems, I am dealing with my problems – for what could be the first time in my life! Formerly, I was afraid to open my mailbox, to pick up the phone, or even to come home. Why? Because one more thing was expected of me, or one more problem needed to be faced, or one more thing that I had totally messed up would be revealed. My mind would say, “You’re a screw-up and you don’t deserve anything!” God didn’t want me in that kind of shame, so He gave me Recovery and the 12 Steps as the way to a deeper relationship with Him.
We have a saying, “It works – if you work it!” This is true of nearly anything. Somehow, as a Christian, I came to believe that I could pray it all away. In 2017, I had a triple-bypass. Up until then, I prayed nearly every meal that God would bless that food – but I didn’t change the way I ate. I couldn’t pray a new heart for myself, I had to change my habits through decision and effort. Now, I am in fairly good health, and I give thanks and glory to God who managed to get a message through to me. The same is true for my spiritual heart and soul. I can’t pray those into spiritual health – I have to “make every effort” (Hebrews 4:11).
Have you heard the most famous non-scripture? “God helps those who helps themselves.” While that statement may have some truth to it, I believe the first steps to recovery and spiritual growth are more along these lines: “God helps those who can’t help themselves, and are humble enough to admit it.” – Mark Mittleberg, author of Questions Christians Hope No One Will Ask.
“Christians who are frustrated and blocked by their denied Sin despite their conscious commitment to God and Christ need a way to bring their control tendencies to God so they can be freed, find reconciliation and serenity and get on with growing spiritually in Christ. If they discover a Twelve-Step program and take Steps One and Two, they are told that the way to unsnarl this tangle of worms and to get well from this disease is to make a decision to turn their “entire lives and wills” over to God, to let God be the producer, director, and healer of their lives and the lives of others around them.” - Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (p. 47). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
It was true for me that I did not seek a solution until the pain of continuing (as I was) became too great to bear. Is that just human? Is everyone like that? Maybe, but I hope not, because I don’t want that pain for anyone. If you are in pain though, how about considering a new path? The 12 Step path is a road many have traveled, though it may actually be the road less traveled. There is a road that appears to be right, but the end of it is wrong (paraphrase Proverbs 14:12). My recovery has led to a greater understanding of self, a greater closeness with Christ, a greater ability to be present with others, and a greater desire to be of service. It was a different road, for sure. Not a road of education about changing – more a road of experiencing change. A pastor I know once said, “God doesn’t work quickly, but He does work suddenly” (Ed Underwood). This reminds me of one of the Recovery Promises – “I will intuitively know how to handle things which used to baffle me.”
Now, going to the mailbox is not such a problem. However, there will always be nets to let go of and steps to take in following Jesus. Will you join me?
Alberto J Negron
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