Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
When I first came to Christ, I was at my lowest point in life (or so I thought at the time). I was homeless, I badly needed a bath, and I had survived a convoluted suicide attempt. I found myself at the Union Rescue Mission in Downtown Los Angeles after having made a trek across the States, starting in mid-December 1979 in New York City. Due to my Roman Catholic background, I believed in God in a general way. God was powerful but far away, and unwilling to help me. I was soon introduced to a new God – the God that would come down, the God that would meet me, the God that would search me out in order to take me in. The God named Jesus, who not only came but died. I fired the General God and switched to the God-Man, Jesus.
“Lean not to your own understanding,” the Bible says (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I just did not understand that this was true even after I accepted Jesus. It was not my ability to understand that had saved me, but I behaved as though it was. My quest became a quest for understanding, not a journey of following. Nothing wrong with understanding, or with having a bit of clarity. In my case, however, understanding, was not following, and clarity, was not trust. My life became less and less manageable the more variables that were added.
“My ways are not your ways, my thoughts not your thoughts,” says the Lord (Isaiah 55:8)
And yet, I still believed that I was in control. In my mind, I was okay. All I needed was more information, better information, and/or better application of information. However, it is difficult to comprehend without following or to trust God, if I was still only trusting myself.
“If you believe your behavior is sane, that it is “wise, mentally sound, free from hurt and disease, without delusion or prejudice,” then think further about your behavior. Do you have temper tantrums? Do you have any uncontrolled anger? Do you make the grand exit when you are angry? Do you use silence as a weapon with which to hurt people? Are you a compulsive talker? Do you sleep too much? Are you not able to sleep, even though you are tired? Are you unable to get out of bed in the morning, even though you need to get up and do exercises that might save your life? Are you continually stressed? Do you continue to eat things like ice cream and candy when you need to lose weight for your health’s sake? Do you have excessive worries or fears? Do you drink or work to excess? Do you procrastinate, or try to control people? Do you do any of these things in the face of the desire not to? And do you continue to have the illusion that you really are in control (or could get in control if you just “made up your mind to” and took the time)? Unless you can see the insanity of your thoughts and behavior, you may find it impossible to take Step Two and get in recovery.” Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (pp. 39-40). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
I was able to make some progress, when over the course of time, perhaps over 10 years or so into my Christian experience, I found myself crying at my desk at work, bereft of hope, filled with despair, and willing to check myself into an in-patient therapy program. After 7 days in, I realized that I was saved “by grace, not by works” (Eph 2:8). Having this information was a huge burden lifted for certain, but I was still not following or trusting. I had a piece of the puzzle. I just did understand that it was a piece, a valuable piece, but that only Christ was The Peace I was looking for. Only God could undo the Gorgon Knot of my “stinkin’ thinkin’” and restore me to sanity.
Thanks be to God for his patience, kindness, and gentle consideration of my general decrepitude! If not for Him, I'd have no destiny, purpose, or hope other than pleasuring myself until bullets or disease caught up with me. He has "saved" me in a myriad of ways.
“There was little doubt in my mind ever about the existence of God and the reality of Jesus Christ. And I was consciously committed to him with my whole life (as Lord and Savior). But at a certain point, all my beliefs and commitment weren’t effective in getting control of my life because I couldn’t see my basic Sin—that in my denial I had put myself in the center where only God should be.” Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (p. 33). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
There’s a scripture that says, “I look to the hills…but where does my help come from? It comes from the Lord.” (Psalm 121:1-2) I was looking to the hills (my own understanding) again and again, but I would not look to Jesus, my Lord.
The line in the prayer referred to as the Lord's prayer, "Lead us not into temptation, but
deliver us from evil" has generated quite a bit of conversation as of late. I heard someone say, "Keep me from distraction and far away from destruction." It was described as a vote of "no confidence" in the ability of self to steer clear of both things that delight the eye, mind, and/or senses, and the consequences of the decision to follow those delights. Psalm 23 says "He leads me along the straight paths (because I would follow the crooked ones) for his righteousness’ sake (because I would do it just because it pleases me)" - parentheses mine. I will go my own way - please don't let me destroy myself. This is what I say when I'm in my right mind, which is more often these days, thanks to God. My own thinking leads to me, but right-thinking puts me on a path with the Good Shepherd.
A pretty accurate description of me before recovery:
“In belaboring the sins of some religious people, we could feel superior to all of them. Moreover, we could avoid looking at some of our own shortcomings. Self-righteousness, the very thing that we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our own besetting evil.”
“...lots of us have had our day at defying God Himself. Sometimes it’s because God has not delivered us the good things of life which we specified, as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus. More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us.”
“We prayed for healthy children and were presented with sick ones or none at all. We prayed for promotions at business, and none came. Loved ones, upon whom we heartily depended, were taken from us by so-called acts of God. Then we became (obsessed) and asked God to stop that. But nothing happened.”
“We supposed we had been serious about religious practices when, upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial. Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling. In both cases, we had been asking for something for nothing. The fact was we really hadn’t cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward. We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, “Grant me my wishes” instead of “Thy will be done.” The love of God and man we understood not at all. Therefore, we remained self-deceived and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.” Big Book, pp. 30-32
It was not until I became willing to do the unthinkable – let go of all my confidence in myself and place my confidence in Someone outside myself – that I finally began to make some progress.
“What we have done in the first three steps is to get in touch with God in a way that allows us to access his power in overcoming Sin and its consequences in our lives. In Step Three we decided to get out of the driver’s seat and move ahead into the rest of the Twelve Steps with the protection and guidance of God; we are now willing to risk stepping out of the self-centered Sin position and inspecting our Sin-diseased personalities. This prospect is so unsettling that most of us would only do it to find relief from the intense pain brought on by the character defects that have been such troublesome mysteries to us and to our families.” Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (p. 60). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
I was foolish to think that I could make myself better with information and determination. This “cunning, baffling, and powerful” obsession was much more than a match for me, but in my pride, I thought I could best it.
“Christians who are frustrated and blocked by their denied Sin despite their conscious commitment to God and Christ need a way to bring their control tendencies to God so they can be freed, find reconciliation and serenity and get on with growing spiritually in Christ. If they discover a Twelve-Step program and take Steps One and Two, they are told that the way to unsnarl this tangle of worms and to get well from this disease is to make a decision to turn their “entire lives and wills” over to God, to let God be the producer, director, and healer of their lives and the lives of others around them.” Miller, J. Keith. A Hunger for Healing (p. 47). HarperOne. Kindle Edition.
So, it is with gratitude and a great sense of my worth to God, and the love God has for me, that I give thanks for the 12 Steps. It has been a discipleship program for me. It has been a road on which I have learned that it is God’s will and God’s view that matters if I am to be a healthy, joyful ambassador of grace and healing. I understand now, that it’s not my understanding that counts – I need to follow Jesus. When I don’t have clarity, I can trust a God who sought me out, met me where I was, and will not rest until I am finally home. Lord, thy will be done.
Comments